Dear kidlet,

We have been looking forward to meeting you for a long time. But you are not ready to come out yet! I know, I know, Christmas is exciting. But it would be best if you stay put for another week or two. While you're at it, give your mom a break. You are kicking her butt and she's feeling really sick. And tired. So sit tight for a little bit and you'll be here soon enough.

Love,

Mama_D

Rounding third and heading for home

I hope I used that sports metaphor correctly because I know absolutely nothing about sports!

I ordered a couple of space heaters yesterday for general use and to warm up the guest bedroom when people come to visit so nobody worry about the weather :)

I am wrapping up my last big project for work and then I'll make sure all my paperwork is up to date and clean my desk off. Then I'll go over things with my assistant and make a list of what I need to do on my last day (email on out of office, clean out anything I left in the fridge, make sure coffee supplies are stocked because I organize that for our office). I'm getting on top of my laundry so our bags will be easier to pack. The expectant mom we are matched with is supposed to be induced so we will have plenty of warning and hopefully no panicked middle of the night trips. I need to call the vet and make sure they will have room for the dog in January. I've started organizing a support team who can come and check on the cats (and maybe bring in the mail). We seem to be really tying things up.

My coworker gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last weekend and it was nice to see pictures of what we can look forward to!

The expectant mom is getting pretty sore and is ready to have the baby. Although I know she's ready to not be pregnant anymore, I don't know much about her emotional state. She asks a lot of questions about what we have bought to get ready. I really don't know what exactly will happen after he is born. I guess we'll just go with the flow.

Getting close to the end

The expectant mom we are matched with was showing some signs of early labor last week. She asked me to accompany her to the doctor and I was able to get enough time off to go. We heard the heartbeat and I got to feel the baby kick. Her doctor didn't think she was in danger of going into full blown labor early. She's taking things easy just because she gets tired easily now.

The furniture is all put together in the baby's room and the clothes are washed. We picked up a rocking chair at an Amish furniture store last weekend and I have another chair to use although I want to make a new cover for it. I finished the quilt today and Papa_D hung it on quilt clips above the crib. The mobile is up and we have hooks for some other things that need to be hung. I am printing pictures this week for some picture frames we got at Ikea when we bought the furniture. I have the last of a big Amazon order that will be delivered tomorrow. After that we should be set. I expect we will need to run out for some odds and ends after he comes home but at least I *feel* prepared.

Oh, and the cats have figured out how to get in the crib. Oy, I was hoping they wouldn't figure that out so soon.

At least we got the Christmas lights up

I got a call tonight from the expectant mom that we are matched with. She is showing some signs of early labor. She's going to the doctor tomorrow and I hope we have more information then.

Ultrasound next month

The expectant mom that we are matched with is having an ultrasound next month and wants me to go. Very exciting!

Time flies

I can't believe how fast time is going now! I think I've finally settled into a place of trust which is making the waiting easier. I've also gotten back into the frame of mind that so much of this is out of my control and all I can do is be the best potential adoptive parent I can be. It seemed like it was just the other day that I was walking around saying it was 100 days until the baby is born. Now today, it's just 80 days! Imagine doing this 4 more times and then we're done!

The room has been cleared out, the paint is here, and we just need to tape the room off, paint and then we can get the furniture together and really see what we have left to do.

My coworker is just weeks from delivering and still waiting on her furniture. I hope they get it to her soon because I know it's causing her a lot of anxiety! I'm also dealing with anxiety, and trying to stay away from thoughts of SIDS and expectant mom going into labor during an ice storm!

Disclaimer: nothing is guaranteed and we just have to be cautiously optimistic!

Grateful for people surrounding me

I have a coworker who is having a baby about a month before kidlet will be born. She knew we were adopting before she got pregnant. It's been great to watch her grow and go through milestones because I had a feeling that our babies would be born around the same time. We traded registry and furniture tips and talked about the interminable wait. She was one of the first people I told at work when we were matched. And now that we know our babies will be so close in age, we have automatic new mommy friends.

Our work had a shower for her about a week ago and she left a thank you note on my desk this morning saying how great it has been to have someone to go through the process with and how we should get together when we are both on leave to share some new mommy experiences. I didn't know how people would see me since we are adopting, and I was more than a little worried that I wouldn't be seen as a real mommy-to-be but everyone has been great. And I've really appreciated it because it makes it all the more real.

1 down, 3 to go

It's been almost a month since we were matched, and we have about 3 months until the baby is born! We're down into double digit days now.

Open Adoption

I feel really lucky that 99% of the people in our lives have been open minded about our adoption experience even when open adoption is a new concept for them. In our current situation, we are laying the foundation for a completely open adoption. This means our child's firstmom will have all our information, we will have hers, and we will all have ongoing contact including in-person visits. Hopefully we will become a family together.

I found this article in Adoptive Families that illustrates an open adoption pretty nicely: Open Adoption Works for Us. It's a first glance at a complex subject but it's worth a read.

Meeting the woman that picked us

We'll be meeting her on Thursday. I'm nervous and excited!

Picked for a baby!

Yesterday morning I was waiting for the shuttle at the parking lot at work and kicking myself for forgetting to bring coffee for the coffeemaker yet again. I was trying to figure out how to convince Papa_D to go home, get the coffee and bring it to me ;). As I see the bus coming down the street, my cell phone started to ring. I didn't recognize the number and couldn't figure out if it was coming from CA or OH. I answered the phone and heard "Hi myname, this is so-and-so from our-attorney's office. We were able to send out your profile to the woman we talked to you about a couple of weeks ago and she looked at all the profiles we sent her and she pick picked you and Papa_D."

My response: A cross between "uh" and a squeek and a grunt. I saw the bus pulling up and couldn't figure out what exactly was happening.

I think I said "Wow."

Then the person on the phone gave me some instructions. I honestly couldn't remember much. She confirmed we were still interested (we were) and that we were willing to meet the young woman before the baby is born (absolutely, very important to us) and told me we may need to travel to where she is (about 150 miles from here). I told her we had no problem with going up there and our schedules were pretty flexible so most times would work for us. We said goodbye and I hung up and got on the bus.

Immediately I started trying to get hold of Papa_D who was in a meeting. I was shaking and trying my hardest to not cry. I had this immense thing, and it wasn't only mine. I got to my desk, put my lunch away and walked all over to find Papa_D. After a while I checked his calendar and discovered he would still be in a meeting for another hour. So I headed back to my desk and sat on my hands until Papa_D called and I told him to start walking and meet me. We met in between our buildings and I shared our good news. I think it's safe to say he was happy. At that point we were able to start sharing the news.

I called our attorney back and confirmed some details. We're waiting to hear when we will go up to meet with the young woman who has picked us. The attorney's office has shared some details with us that we'll share when it is appropriate. I'm still trying to figure out that part.

So many things can happen between now and late January. From what we understand she 'definitely' chose us. But she may have a change of heart about us, or about adoption in general. While I'm grateful to have 4 months to prepare logistically and emotionally, it's longer than I ever expected to have. She can't sign her consent until at least 72 hours after she gives birth and she can change her mind at any time. Despite any relationship we might build with her, none of this is a promise. Her needs, her child's needs and her family's needs trump our desires any day of the week. Adoption must always be this way.

For now we remain cautiously optimistic....

Input please

I'm in the process of arranging healthcare and daycare for kidlet. We're meeting with the pediatrician that we'll likely use because she was recommended by another adoptive mom. The big dilemma is daycare....

My work has a daycare center on site. Well, it's about 2.5 miles away from my building, but my workplace covers several square miles. Anyways, I got on the wait list about 6 months ago and was advised it often takes 12-18 months to get in. The benefits are that it is close to work so I can drop kidlet off right before I go in and get him/her right after, I can do payroll deduction for tuition, they offer some part-time spots, they have evening care available for an additional fee, the child staff ratio is better than the state requires.

Tomorrow we are going to look at a Montessori center that is closer to our house. I'm concerned about picking kidlet up late if I'm delayed at all but I think if Papa_D and I can tag-team it, we'll be ok. This is supposed to be a great center, the teachers have a ton of education, it has the highest possible rating from the state, etc. There is a waitlist. They said they only accept 8 new infants per year so get on the list as soon as you can. And the tuition is more than our mortgage.

I have a few other centers I can look at that might work for us. But the most likely third option is to find a home care provider.

Any advice?

Slogging along

We attended orientation for our agency on Thursday of last week. I found it to be really helpful in explaining the process we will go through and some generalities about adoption. For example, the age range of women who have placed infants with this agency is 12 to 45 years old, with most women being between 27 and 35 years old. This was new information for me. We were part of a group of about 30 people and additional people were turned away because this cohort had reached capacity. I'm looking forward to working with this agency. The director of the agency led the orientation and she seems very passionate about her work. We have another class in October and should be active after that.

In the meanwhile we need to finish up preparations for Kidlet. The room is almost cleared out with the exception of my sewing stuff. The sewing supplies will stay until Kidlet's quilt and blankets are finished, which will hopefully happen soon. We have been slowly accumulating supplies and gender neutral clothes from local thrift and secondhand stores. Today I scored a great deal on a bouncy chair that looks like new and cost me only half of what it cost on Amazon.com. Since all these things are gender neutral, hopefully they will outlast Kidlet and still be usable for Deuce (baby #2). I'm hoping we will make it to Ikea sometime in the next couple of weekends for the furniture, shelving, lighting and some toys. I also hope to have time to shampoo the carpets in the house and get in another weekend of camping after the insects die down. We've talked a bit about trying to go to New York for a weekend but I'm doubting that will happen. I'd like to get out to California as well. But I have a feeling that time is of the essence now!

Our attorney called the morning after we got back from our vacation to say they wanted to show our profile to a woman who is considering placing her baby. We are still waiting to hear back about this particular situation, as well as another one. This is one of the hardest parts - never hearing back about many of the situations. All we can hope is that the women found something better out there....

One final hurrah

Papa_D and I are heading off for a week of hedonism and debauchery before we have to become all responsible and stuff.

The agency orientation is a few days after we get back. For now I'm going to stretch this week out as long as I can!

Another situation

We'll be submitting our profile for another situation this week. While I was talking about this with Papa_D, I said that I feel very confident about adoption whenever we are talking about generalities. But whenever we get down to specifics, I get a little freaked out. Fortunately, he assured me he feels the same way. I don't know if I'll stop getting freaked out as we keep getting submitted for different possible situations. It's just strange to think that eventually something will work out and one of these babies will join our family.

It's not uncommon to go through several possible situations before finding one where we are able to meet the firstmom's needs and we are comfortable with each other. I'm learning to not get too worked up about each one as they come up. But ya gotta buy a lotto ticket to have a chance at winning!

Great realizaton

With the waiting times for our agency, and how close we are to getting started, our baby is likely already conceived! Of course, nothing is guaranteed, but it's nice to think about. Hello, little baby! I have no idea what will happen between now and the time we meet, but we're so excited to get to be your family!

Open Comments

Grandma_S warned me that not everyone has been able to comment on here. That is due in part to my inexperience with Blogger. I didn't realize I was requiring people to have OpenID. I've opened the comments up so anyone can comment without an ID, but they are moderated. I know some people can stumble across this blog and might have opinions about adoption. As long as there aren't any issues with the comments, I'll leave them open.

Hope that makes it a bit smoother!

Last 2 spots!

We got confirmation today that we snagged the last 2 spots for orientation at the agency next month! I'm glad we got those spots, otherwise we would have had to wait until December! The orientation is only a few days after we get back from vacation. I'm hoping we can get started on our profile after that.

Finally signing up with an agency

I talked to our adoption attorney last week. We've had a profile with his office since March of this year, so for 5 months now. Unfortunately it has not been shown to any potential firstmoms. We would really only be shown in a situation where a firstmom was not already set up with a family. They did have a possible situation last weekend but this mom decided to parent. We knew that his office was a fairly small operation and there was a chance we wouldn't get much exposure. So now we have decided to also work with a local agency. Throughout the year we had looked at several agencies both local and national. I was referred to this particular agency twice and have met people who have used them and been happy. I sent in the application a couple of weeks ago in order to get into the September orientation meeting and we should be sending in the contract this week. We have decided to go into the African American/Biracial infant program. One of the many things we've learned since we first started investigating adoption is that the need for homes for African American or Biracial infants is much greater than the need for Caucasian infants. After a lot of careful consideration and learning about parenting a multiracial family, we decided this is the right path for us. Matching times are often faster with this program than with Caucasian infant programs. I guess we'll just consider ourselves beneficiaries of an imperfect system.

On Saturday we received our completed homestudy to send on to our attorney and agency. One more step done! Today I happened to drive by the Volunteers of America Thrift Store in Clintonville. I'd heard it was a great store so I stopped in and they had a ton of kids clothes. I picked up a few more gender neutral onesies. After we find out the gender of the baby, I'll go back and see what else I can find.

Leaving the paperwork behind and preparing for baby

Last week we sent an application in to a local adoption agency. Today we got a letter stating our application was received and giving us RSVP info for the next orientation meeting in September. September is month 9 of our adoption journey. The adoption process can be quite long and the duration is unpredictable. We knew by pursuing things in a particular order, we were potentially prolonging our journey but it was important for us to do things in the way we were comfortable. I can't speak for Papa_D, but my attitudes towards adoption are ever evolving. I'm always learning more about how we can be better parents of an adopted child and how we can help our children have good lives.

The instructor of our baby care class gave us a list of items that we need to obtain and have on hand for a placement without notice. The list includes

bottles with slow-flow nipples
formula
newborn diapers
diaper wipes (sensitive skin)
receiving blankets
crib/cradle/bassinet with bedding
rear facing infant car seat
stretchy sleeper outfits
onesie t-shirts
hooded towels
washcloths
thermometer
diaper rash ointment
petroleum jelly
rubbing alcohol/cotton balls
baby wash
bottle brush
nail clippers
homecoming outfit
sling carrier

We have been collecting these items slowly and have many of them. As long as we can last until the grandmas get here, we should be ok!

We did contact an agency about a possible situation a couple of weeks ago, but once we got more information we found out we weren't a good match for that particular birthmom and baby. So we will wait until we find a better fit.

Emails

Whenever I email anyone regarding something about the adoption, I'm always frustrated that they aren't sitting at their desk, waiting for my email and returning it promptly. It's hard to accept that other people have lives outside of my little world!

We are approved!

Our social worker said our homestudy is approved as of yesterday! We are officially pregnant on paper! She has to actually write up the report and I imagine that will happen in the next week or so. It will be sent to our attorney and our agency when we sign with them. This is great news!

Now we just have to get the room ready...

Finishing homestudy next week

Next Tuesday is our infant CPR class and next Thursday is our final visit with our social worker for our homestudy. We still need to complete some short answer questions that we have already discussed and print off some tax forms, but other than that we are ready. We had our infant care class 2 weekends ago and it was really helpful. We were the only people in the class so the teacher really customized it for us. Our teacher had adopted 2 children and was in the process of adopting her 3rd. She had gone to a traditional baby care class for her first child and found it to be a weird situation when the other women were talking about leaky nipples and she was more concerned about post-placement visits. We learned about basics like bathing, feeding, changing diapers, how to care for an umbilical cord, when to call the doctor and tips for bonding. She addressed a lot of issues specific to adoptive parents and had some good tips for how to survive the first 6 weeks. I can already tell we are better prepared than some other parents. Tonight we were at target looking at different types of diaper rash cream and overheard a woman who was registering ask her friend what baby oil is even used for. Her friend said it was used to keep the baby's skin from drying out. Of course, we know from the class that we should never use baby oil on a baby...

Today I spoke with an agency here in Columbus that I had considered but not initially wanted to use. I was concerned that their required classes and orientation would have delayed us becoming active by several months. However the person I talked to today felt that with an approved homestudy we would probably be activated right away because they need families for their program. Their fees are a bit less than the other agency we are considering. We'll decide which one to use later this summer.

Final homestudy visit is in 1 month

Lots of things are happening in the next month or so, but we will have to make time for the few things we have left on our homestudy list. Our social worker will come to the house again and talk to us separately (she talked to us together last time). Then she'll take all our documents and write up a report. The report doesn't take long so I believe we'll be pregnant on paper by the end of June!

We've spent some time lately figure out what baby gear we will need and want. My biggest concern is getting a last minute placement. Our attorney has recently had several placements where the birthmom is in the hospital either in labor or just having given birth when she decides to place. The adoptive parents only get about a day's notice. I just want to make sure that any gear that needs lead time to be ordered is bought ahead of time. I have a feeling Grandma_B will be here ASAP after Baby_D comes home and we can get any extra gear then.

Recently I've read some articles on positive adoption language. I know Papa_D and I put a lot of thought into the words we use, but we're not sure what word we are going to use for our birthmom. So far we've been using birthmom but that's not appropriate until she's actually given birth and placed. Until then, she's mom. I'm leaning more towards first mom. It's not first in terms of primacy, but in terms of chronology. I don't feel any conflict with my kids having 2 moms. The more adults to love a child the better. I hope we are able to get to know her ahead of time and we'll discuss with her what she wants to be called. I've been thinking a lot about her lately. Wondering if our child's even been conceived yet. If she's ok. If she's feeling a lot of turmoil about being pregnant and wondering if she can take care of the baby. I sincerely hope she's able to take joy in feeling the baby move and seeing her belly grow. I'm starting to feel like she's the one that has to deal with the most pain in this whole situation. I hope we are able to have a relationship with her, or at the least be able to share what's going on in her child's life as he/she grows up. I want to always be able to give her reassurance that her child is taken care of and being loved. Even with the books I've had to read and the support groups I've been going to, I don't feel conflicted about sharing our child. It's really our child in the sense of her, Papa_D and me. I worry, like anyone in our situation, that we'll meet someone and she'll decide to parent after the baby is born. I'm not worried because someone will be taking 'my' child away, just because I know that will be painful. But as we've been told by the attorney and the agency, when you meet the right person, it clicks. I think when she meets us, she'll know that she wants us to be in her and her child's lives.

Physical evidence of babyhood!

We had our fire inspection today. He asked us to move one of the smoke detectors but otherwise we are good! Papa_D moved the smoke detector while the inspector was here so the inspector went ahead and passed us. He also checked that we had outlet covers on all our unused electrical outlets and have cabinet locks on the cabinets that house any chemicals. So now our house is partially baby-proofed!



The only things we should have left on the homestudy are copies of tax returns, a financial statement, infant care and CPR classes, and written answers to some questions. The homestudy should be complete by the end of June and then we will just be waiting for a match!

PS - I'm totally leaving the cabinet locks on because they Monkey-proof the cabinets. Of course, it's better Monkey-proofing if he's actually in the cabinet...

Homestudy progress

We've been working on the paperwork for our homestudy since our first visit a couple of weeks ago. This is a list of everything we have to get together to complete our homestudy:

- Official application for child placement
- copy of our marriage certificate
- copy of our current tax return
- financial statement
- letter from employer regarding job, salary, character reference and stability of future employment
- references from 5 non-relatives
- state criminal check
- FBI check
- local criminal check
- certification of state residency
- copy of traffic record
- medical release
- medical statement
- child care class
- infant CPR certification
- photo listing waiver
- questionnaire completed after reading adoption book
- fire inspection report
- assessment for child placement
- child characteristics form
- answers to questions about parenting
- child abuse clearance from all states of residency
- release of documents waiver

So you can understand why we've been so busy.

First home visit

The visit with the social worker went well! She started by saying that unless she finds something that legally prohibits her from approving the homestudy, she'll approve us. Then she did our joint interview and toured our house. We actually got a lot of good information about raising an adopted child. She also directed us to a baby care class especially for adoptive parents. This will be especially helpful because Papa_D and I don't know much about taking care of babies but I would rather not take the class in a room full of pregnant women. That's just too many questions to answer.

Now we have to fill out our paperwork, get our fingerprints done first because that takes the longest, and then schedule our second visit. After that the social worker will write the report and then we are good to go!

First home visit tomorrow

Our first visit with the social worker is tomorrow. I think she will do our separate interviews tomorrow because she mentioned if one of us had to be late it wasn't a problem. The visits (there are 2 of them) are supposed to consist of house tours, interviews separately and together, and some general conversation about the adoption process and getting ready for the baby.

Wish us luck!

Call me social worker!

I called and emailed the social worker Wednesday last week in order to schedule our first visit for our homestudy and she hasn't called me back! Call me back social worker!!!

Scheduling homestudy!

Last Wednesday I mailed the application and fee for the homestudy to a local agency. Today the social worker called, left her contact info and asked us to call her back to schedule our visits! So exciting! I will have to check our schedules and see when a good time is in the next couple of weeks for us to meet with her. She will make 2 visits to our house, and interview us both together and separately.

Last week Papa_D and I went to a meeting of adult adoptees and got some great information on what it was like to grow up after being adopted and what they liked or would have changed about their experience. I thought it was great! We got some good handouts on preparing for everything that was happening.

Baby_D - I am trying to get on a more normal schedule for when you arrive. Since I'm doing a blog entry at 11:00 at night, I'm obviously not doing a great job yet. But I'm working on it!

Profile and paperwork done!

It's been crazy busy lately, so progress has been slower than I expected. This week I put together 2 copies of our profile and filled out the paperwork required by our attorney. It was sent off today!!! Yay for first steps! Our profile will be shown right away to birthmoms that haven't delivered yet. I have to complete the application for a homestudy and once our homestudy is approved we will be eligible to be shown to all birthmoms. The most recent few placements our attorney did were last minute so we have to be prepared for that.

Gathering our documents

For the past week or so, in between getting ready for a conference at work, I've been writing our dear birthmom letter, biographies and general content for our profile. I've also been making arrangements for the animals to go to the vet to be brought up to date on vaccines and getting the house ready for the homestudy. We got the homestudy application today. I am leaving for work for a few days at the end of next week. I hope to mail our profiles and homestudy application before I leave. Then we will really be making progress! Once our profiles are received by the attorney, he will start showing them to birthmoms in his office. This is so exciting!

Dear birthmom letter

I'm trying to write a letter to women who are considering placing their children for adoption. It's required. And it's so much harder than I had thought it would be.

Meeting with adoption attorney

This afternoon we traveled to a meeting with an adoption attorney. He is in a small town about 90 minutes from here. Well, 2 hours from our house, but 90 minutes from my work. We first talked with the attorney's assistant about some basics in adoption and specifically this practice. Then we spoke with the attorney, first about ourselves and our background, and then about how their practice works and what we could expect. The attorney is very nice. One of the ways I have been evaluating agencies and attorneys is by how welcoming they are. I try to think of how I would want to be treated if I were a birthparent contacting these folks and I think I would feel very comfortable with this attorney. He really put us at ease talking to us. I don't know if it is a strategy crafted over the years or just his personality. I suppose it doesn't matter. He said he encourages birthmoms to realize that adoptive parents are afraid the birthmom will try to take the baby back, and he encourages adoptive parents to realize birthmoms are afraid the child won't think they were loved or wanted. I thought that was a good way to get each side to realize the other feels vulnerable as well.

He has a small, local practice, but has been doing this for >30 years and is well known amongst hospitals and doctors in the area. I guess this is how he gets most of his referrals. We will have a greater chance at finding a referral if we do some of the legwork ourselves, which I don't mind. There are some great online resources and other ways to go about this. His costs are very reasonable, so if we do not receive a placement within a reasonable amount of time we would be free to work with someone else and not lose too much of our budget. While I hate to always be conscientious of costs we do have to watch our budget to make sure that we do not dig ourselves into a hole we can't get out of. Plus, the money we don't spend adopting #1 can be spent on #2 ;).

We still have to meet with an agency later on this week. I am trying to be very careful to make sure we know all our option in case there is a situation that would work better for us.

Baby, we're trying to find you!

Progress! Coming soon!!!

I've been in contact with an adoption agency that works with people nationwide. I think both I and papa_D like them a lot but to make sure we are covering all our bases we are meeting with a local lawyer and local agency next week. I've only talked to people at the national agency on the phone but we'll be able to talk to these other folks in person and maybe get a better feel that way. This is really our short list and I'm excited to figure out which way we want to go and how to prep for our home study.

A new home!

I've decided to make a new home for adoption related musings. I'm hoping that eventually I can print all of these entries out and make a baby book for Baby_D. Note: Baby_D is the only name I've thought of so far. Names seems to come about organically, so I'm waiting to see what his or her true name is.

We're at the very beginning of this process. The information gathering stage, actually. I'm hoping we can make some decisions soon!